THIS IS...cake town

[beautifulduckweed]

Just came back from watching 300 at the Laurelhurst with Schwern, and I have determined that the following are deemed Persian by the moviemakers:

- Fat men
- Effeminate men
- Black men
- Fat, effeminate black men, who, if the movie is to be believed, are the Platonic Form of Persians
- Chinese men
- Indian men
- Basically, any dudes with natural skin color that registers darker than "khaki" on a paint chart
- Crazy Tengu ninja men who are actually motherfucking VAMPIRES underneath their masks
- Bat Boy
- Lobster Boy
- Deformed men
- Deformed fat men, no blackness or brownness needed--the deformities are atrocious enough without making the poor things black, after all
- Men with piercings
- Make-up on men with piercings, especially tall, bald Brazillian drag queens
- With the exception of tasteful eyeliner on manly men with no piercings (you can tell they're manly and 100% heterosexual just like the historical Spartans because of their ability to bark loudly in response to any damn thing screamed at them by their king), and for this development I think we can thank Johnny Depp, all kneel and praise his holy name, RAmen
- Leprosy--I mean, even the Greek dudes with leprosy were in cahoots with the Persians
- Lesbians
- Hot lesbians
- Hot black lesbians
- Hot black lesbians with afros bigger than the national deficit
- Hot black lesbians with afros bigger than the national deficit willing to have meaningless sex with ugly, deformed traitors in an effort to bribe them for national security purposes, which is clearly evil and wrong, as opposed to hot white straight women with tastefully curled hair who are willing to have meaningless sex with smarmy, good-looking traitors in an effort to bribe them for national security purposes

Did I miss anyone?

(For the record, I enjoyed the movie tremendously. Never has so much man-titty and so much unintentional comedy been packed into so tight a space. I'd love to watch it with a bunch of you some time and yell quips at the screen properly instead of muttering to Schwern under my breath.)

Comments

[seasong1.livejournal.com]

I . . . still can't watch the movie. No matter how much I want to see the tall, bald, Brazilian drag queen.

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

I don't blame you, really. It was only possible for me to watch and appreciate as a piece of high camp.

[marsala1.livejournal.com]

GAME ON!! Let's MST3K that biatch!

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

Fuck yes! We should do this at the Pit when it comes out on DVD.

[gorthx.livejournal.com]

as opposed to hot white straight women with tastefully curled hair who are willing to have meaningless sex with smarmy, good-looking traitors in an effort to bribe them for national security purposes

:splort:

I am so sorry I missed doing this with you guys!

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

Your presence was missed. Maybe we can spork this together some other time, eh?

[gorthx.livejournal.com]

yes, yes, YES!!!

[msbunburyist.livejournal.com]

I mean...

Admittedly, Herodotus agrees: the Persians are effeminate, pussywhipped, and often gay (in inappropriate ways, unlike the Greeks, who practice sweet sweet boylove).

I mean, they wear pants. Poncy, poncy pants.

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

Ha! True. Also, the narrative device also means that we're viewing the story through a somewhat unreliable lens.

But still. CHINESE DUDES? AND FAT BLACK DUDES? WHAT?

[msbunburyist.livejournal.com]

Listen, I firmly hold that if Herodotus made a movie, it would not only be like "300," it would actually be more hardcore than 300.

BRING ON THE DOLPHIN SHOCK TROOPS, EVERYONE.

(also: previous deleted comment = rpg journal. yeah, I'm a nerd. sorry bout that.)

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

Dude! A more hardcore 300 as made by Herodotus would've been even MORE awesome.

I mean, c'mon. How can you not love dolphin shock troops?

(I also vote for sharks with frickin' laser beams on their heads.)

[theotherjay.livejournal.com]

That's pretty sad, but surely some blame attaches to Frank Miller and the original graphic novel, right?

Right?

/still haven't seen it
//want to

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

Hmmm. I seem to be having trouble replying to you. This is a test reply, just to see if Livejournal will allow this comment to go through, since it doesn't contain any profanity or comments about gayness.

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

OK, veddy interesting. Does LJ suddenly have filters in place? Here's my original reply, a couple of sentences at a time, because I'm curious to see which words are tripping the filters. Apologies for the multiple e-mails you're getting, but this is for SCIENCE!

Actually, Frank Miller just manifested his issues with women in the comic (which is nothing new) and turned the Persians into a bunch of big, brutish-looking Ethiopian dudes who do not remotely resemble Persians, either ancient or modern.

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

Other elements like the all-colors-of-brown hateration, the weird bit with the Chinese dude (OMGWTFBBQPORK), the homophobia...

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

...(there are several magnificently homoerotic panels from the comic that are left out in the movie, bah and humbug, though Leonidas still makes that rather puzzling derisive crack...

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

about Athenians being boylovers because uh HELLO SPARTAN POT PLEASE MEET THIS KETTLE THAT'S LABELED "HOT SAUCY MAN LOVE")...

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

the hatin'-on-make-up-and-drag-queens, the crazy deformities and the OMG LEZBIANS ARE TEH EBIL are, near as I can remember, additions to the movie (though given the cultural climate at the time, using black 13sb14ns as the repesentation of decadence, corruption and Everything Wrong is appropriate enough). The court intrigue back in Sparta while Leonidas was off being a manly man was definitely tacked on in the movie, as were Bat Boy and Lobster Boy.

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

Huh! OK, so cut up in pieces, my comment got through. But pieced together, it maketh the Livejournal freak the fuck out. Strange. I wonder if it was related to length?

Let me post this, then, and see if it goes through:

Literary TV Programs
Yet to Be Produced.

BY CHRISTIAN CLARKE

- - - -

The Byronic Woman

Sanford, Dombey, and Son

Everybody Loves Raymond Carver

Murder, She Wrote ... and Then Workshopped

Welcome Back, Kafka

My Three Puns

Different Tropes

The Rockford Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler

Jake Barnes and the Fat Man

Perfect Stranger (starring Albert Camus)

The Odd Couple (starring Zelda and Scott Fitzgerald)

The King of Queens (starring Oscar Wilde)

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

And some more words:

Don't Hassel the Hoff follows David Hasselhoff's phenomenal career, from his earliest childhood role in Peter Pan to his latest adventure, starring in Mel Brooks's Tony award-winning musical, The Producers. There is no better time to celebrate Hasselhoff's life and a career that continues to grow and thrive. As the star of the extremely popular classic television shows, "Baywatch" and "Knight Rider," Hasselhoff is an international mega-star, with platinum album sales and starring roles on Broadway and London's West End.

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

And even more words:

As this fascinating memoir reveals, there's more to this handsome superstar than great hair, and legs that look good while running down a beach. "The Hoff" is also a smart, caring man with a huge heart.

"This book is my opportunity to print something from my heart, to tell the truth about what happened to me on the long and winding road from Baltimore to Baywatch to Broadway – and beyond. And the truth is not to be found in tabloid stories but in my actions: I am a good father and tried to be a good husband. "

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

Trying to find the magic cut-off length!

As this fascinating memoir reveals, there's more to this handsome superstar than great hair, and legs that look good while running down a beach. "The Hoff" is also a smart, caring man with a huge heart.

"This book is my opportunity to print something from my heart, to tell the truth about what happened to me on the long and winding road from Baltimore to Baywatch to Broadway – and beyond. And the truth is not to be found in tabloid stories but in my actions: I am a good father and tried to be a good husband. I love people and the emotional rollercoaster that goes with human relationships."

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

Trying to find the magic cut-off length!

As this fascinating memoir reveals, there's more to this handsome superstar than great hair, and legs that look good while running down a beach. "The Hoff" is also a smart, caring man with a huge heart.

"This book is my opportunity to print something from my heart, to tell the truth about what happened to me on the long and winding road from Baltimore to Baywatch to Broadway – and beyond. And the truth is not to be found in tabloid stories but in my actions: I am a good father and tried to be a good husband. I love people and the emotional rollercoaster that goes with human relationships. I love all the bewildering, crazy and wonderful things that life has to offer."

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

OK, about 130 words seems to be the magic cut-off length. Weeeeeird.

[theotherjay.livejournal.com]

Since this seems to be the testing thread...

I've been trying to post an entry for the past half hour, but have been unable to do so. It always times out. Has anyone else noticed this?

[pristis.livejournal.com]

I don't like television that much, but I would acquire every season of The Byronic Woman and Welcome Back, Kafka.

Especially Welcome Back, Kafka.

Damn, now I really want to watch that.

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

Ha! Nice. My favorite snark moment came when Xerxes put his hand on Leonidas' shoulder. Schwern said "Bad touch bad touch!" and I followed up with "PENIS GOES WHERE?"

[lilithsaintcrow.livejournal.com]

I actually had to restrain myself physically by clapping my hand over my mouth when it came to the movie's historical inaccuracies. Of course any retelling of Thermopylae is going to be loaded, given the history in that part of the world. But when you mix in Miller's misogyny and worship of the (Caucasian) male form...well, you're just askin' for it.

I agree with Marsala1 above. Dude, let's MST3K that bitch. I'll bring wine. Heh.

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

I know very little about the history involved, but juuuust enough to know how very thoroughly they'd fucked it. It got to the point that I stopped worrying about it, really, and started focusing more on the rather hilarious homophobia and racial issues instead.

You will definitely be informed when the MST3King begins. Oh yessss.

[frostmorn.livejournal.com]

*snigger*
GREAT summary. I spent a lot of the later part of that movie wondering how they could get away with running an “ugly = evil” plot like that. And wondering why, if the Spartan queen was willing to sleep with then kill some random guy, she didn’t just assassinate Xerxes herself. Not a woman’s place, I suppose. (that film was very clear on a woman’s place, but there’s already too much incredulity and giggling to get into that one…)