Breaking News: Chuck Norris Lacks Sense of Irony, Humor

[beautifulduckweed]

Via Pandagon, check this out: Chuck Norris's response (Warning! Warning! WorldNetDaily alert! WorldNetDaily alert!) to Chuck Norris Facts.

I know, I know, hard to credit that this veritable powerhouse of virtuoso thespian ability who has starred in cinema classics like Delta Force and Lone Wolf McQuade (which features the Best Evil Movie Midget of ALL TIME and none of y'all are allowed to say different) shows about as much self-awareness as a room-temperature block of Havarti. I know you're shocked, and I'm sorry to be the one to burst your bubble. And at the risk of rubbing salt in your wounds, I'm going to pull some choice quotes here, because they're just that good:

There are more than 50,000 jokes making their way around the Internet that purport to be "facts" all playing off my movie roles as a "tough guy" and my history as a martial arts champion. But they aren't "jokes" to those who spread them – they're "facts."

Somebody stop the man from using any more quotation marks. Please. They're out of control, and each one is accompanied by the mental image of Chuck making the scare quotes sign with his fingers.

*weeps blood*

While I have as much fun as anyone else reading and quoting them, let's face it, most "Chuck Norris Facts" describe someone with supernatural, superhuman powers.

Forgive me for using this, but really, I can't...stop...myself:

Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live." It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.

This man has sucked all the funny out of one of my favorite Chuck Norris facts.

No, wait, on thinking about it, he's made it even funnier.

Behold the power of Chuck Norris.

PZ Myers has suggested some amusing new Chuck Norris facts. I especially like this one: "When Chuck Norris furrows his brow, he's not thinking—he's knuckling his third fist."

Comments

[frostmorn.livejournal.com]

“If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood.” Did Chuck Norris just advise us to exsanguinate Jesus for medicinal purposes???
Perhaps Chuck Norris is simply cracking under the pressure of The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny: http://www.ultimateshowdown.org/

Of course, all this does seem to answer the old conundrum: could Chuck Norris do something so awesome, even Chuck Norris could not withstand it?

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

Perhaps Chuck Norris is simply cracking under the pressure of The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny: http://www.ultimateshowdown.org/

...in that case, wouldn't Mr. Rogers' blood be the more appropriate panacea?

I have another condundrum to add to yours, grasshopper: Can Chuck Norris roundhouse-kick himself in the face? And if he did, what would happen?

[darwinpolice.livejournal.com]

It's funny that you should mention that. Once, Chuck Norris actually made the quotation mark gesture, and such was the power of his hands that no one who saw it was able to take anything literally ever again.

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

"Sing" it, "brother"! Speak "truth" to "power"!

Fact: Chuck Norris is powered by nuclear fission--the atoms split themselves out of sheer terror.

[freyis.livejournal.com]

See, what's happening here is that Chuck Norris is worried that too many of us will know the truth, and he doesn't want to take the time to roundhouse kick ALL of us in the face. So he's trying to distract us with his talk of religion, God, and Jesus, hoping we'll take what he says to be true.

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

Fact: Chuck Norris has already roundhouse-kicked all of us in the face; we just can't remember because of the trauma.

[freyis.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Now that you mention it, that would explain a lot of things. Like that week in Cairo, and the frequent bloody noses.

[lilithsaintcrow.livejournal.com]

One wonders if Chuck Norris's frequent head trauma contributed to that article.

Snerk.

[pazi-ashfeather.livejournal.com]

http://www.partiallyclips.com/storage/20060402_GuysAtComputerRedux_lg.png

[misshepeshu.livejournal.com]

HA! That was pretty good.

(The server kept timing out when you first posted the link, so I just now got to see it.)